When my sister and I were little we hated Sunday's. That was the day we were shoved on the Church bus so my parents could recover from their night of doing god knows what. Sunday evenings were even worse because nothing good was on the TV. Whenever we would hear the stopwatch ticking intro to "60 Minutes" we would instantly get that pissed off feeling in the pit of our stomach. You know what feeling I'm talking about. The one where you wanna scream and slap the shit outta someone? Yeah, that's the one. Well sis and I coined that the "News Feeling". I'm in a mood today so I thought I'd compile a list of shit that gives me the "News Feeling". I wrote a song about it, wanna hear it, hear it goes.....in no particular order:
1. Nerd Herd from BB6. Seriously, they made me want to vom in my mouth!
2. Turtleneck anything. I heard a comedian say once that wearing a turtleneck was kinda like being strangled by a really weak person. True dat!
3. The Shamwow douche. Why do I feel like he is berating me into buying one of those pieces of crap?
4. Meatheads. Nothing attractive about that. Big muscles usually mean small pee-pee anyway.
5. People who don't understand The Far Side. It's funny, what's not to get? Geesh!
6. Finding the Watch Tower shoved halfway under my door. Really J-Dubs? You can't hear us trying to not so quietly hide from you? I swear I made eye contact with you when I peeked through my curtains to see if you were gone. You really thought I'd enjoy reading the Watch Tower?
7. Paul Shaffer. The dude makes me want to punch a baby.
8. The I.T. guy that assumed I was a retard because I'm not an I.T. person. Go home to your Jergen's dick. I only asked a question.
9. People who fish for compliments. You know you are beautiful or talented or athletic or creative or musical or whatever the hell else you are great at so just shut the eff up already!
10. This ass.
Who's the last one?
ReplyDeleteThat would be gossip blogger Perez Hilton. He likes to make fun of celebrities, which is cool because so do I. His problem is that he can dish it out but not take it. I got tired of him crying and bitching so I quit him cold turkey.
ReplyDeletePerez Hilton is the biggest twat in the universe...Also, how come Paul Shaffer never ages?
ReplyDelete