Why I'm glad I don't have a husband who beats me...

Because my Gawd I gone and dun it again! I purchased season tickets to the Sacramento Mountain Lions, the UFL team that is new to our area. Well, as we were pulling into the parking lot for last nights game I discovered that my stupid ass forgot the tickets at home. Nice right? For this one evening I was glad that my husband works the graveyard shift and was too sleep deprived to do much more than laugh at me. Then we went and ate sushi and went to bed early.

Meet Karma...

Yeah. She's a bitch alright.

Well knock me over with a feather!

I, Brandy Rochelle Dobson Greene, hear, coming from my VERY OWN BATHROOM, the sounds of a child brushing their teeth WITHOUT ME TELLING HER TO!

I have a feeling that it's going to be a great day!

Why it's fun to be a parent

Don't know who the hell the kid in the front is, but this is one of my most favorite pictures of my oldest daughter ever. Wait till I unearth the one from Disneyland....priceless!

Why "Say Cheese" goes a long way, especially when your in mid lip lick...

I would have even accepted, "Hey moron, stick your damn tongue back in your mouth where it belongs!"

Why you should never get stoned and then cut your little girl's bangs

This post could also be titled: Why you should never stand on an upright vaccuum and pretend it is a microphone while singing Fleetwood Mac at the top of your lungs in the driveway because you will fall face first on the ground and kill your front tooth.

Why I'm a Jerk

Hmmm. That's a toughie for there are many, many reasons that I'm a jerk. Let's count the ways shall we?

1. I'm always late. Always. Even when I try to be early. My friends always tell me to be somewhere 15-30 minutes early to allow for "Greenetime".
2. I'm a phone screener. I hate talking on the phone so it better be damn good because also...
3. I never return phone calls. (Remember, this list is reasons why I'm a jerk)
4. I've lied during interviews. But, really, who hasn't? I can't imagine there are that many legitimate "People Persons" and "Team Players" around.
5. My little sister used to have a skin tag on her chin and me and my dad came up with a witty nickname for her. When we were at open house one year I got her class to call her "Tit-Chin". Yeah, she still gets pissed thinking about that one.
6. I once got kicked out of jury duty for unconsciously making a "gagging" noise when the defendant's attorney was explaining their side of the story. However, I make no apologies for my bull-shit detector having a mind of its own!
7. In 7th grade one of my best friends dumped me and our other friend to hang out with the "popular" crowd. Joke was on her though when we told everyone she still pee'd the bed. Ooopsie...was that supposed to be a secret???!!!
8. I told my sister once that "Pretty-Ugly" meant Beautiful. So then everytime she would ask me how she looked I would say, "Pretty-Ugly" and she would be happy.
9. One time in high-school we disguised chocolate Exlax for mini-chocolate bars and gave them to this kid who used to mooch food off us at lunch time. Oh how priceless it was to watch him run to his car after school with his cheeks clenched! Which just reminded me of...
10. The time when I was little and we wrapped up a pretty box and put dog poop in it. Then we sent down my sister and her best friend to this mean girls house and made them give it to her. I never saw two little girls run so fast back down the street in my life!!
11. The time I set up a blog about funny shit that has happened to me and got a bunch of people to follow it and then one day I stopped updating it for about forever.

Well, I think that's enough for now. I'm sure, no wait, I know there's many more reasons why I'm a jerk and I'm fairly certain I will be reminded soon enough. But for now, I must heave my Dobson-Ass on to my treadmill and run off that fritter I just consumed.

Adios mofo's!!

Why it's pretty much impossible to sexually harass me.

Ok, so should I start w/an apology for being absent since before Christmas or just get right to it? Yeah, that's what I thought....

So my husband and I were driving to the store yesterday when we past the Taco Bell that I used to frequent when I was a teenager. Seeing that Taco Bell reminded me of a funny ass thing that happened to me and my two friends back in the day. Let me set it up for you...

The year was 1992 and I was probably dressed as one of my heroes:

Brenda NOT Brandon got it??

Taco Bell was (and still is) the #1 choice for broke ass teens to get their grub on...especially if they'd had a *ahem* "contact high". So on this particular day in 1992 my friends and I find ourselves enjoying ourselves over some Nacho Bellgrandes and Mt. Dew when something caught my attention from the corner of my eye. Here is an artists rendering of the layout of Taco Bell on this particular day:


Ok, so I look over to see what it was that caught my attention and almost choked on my nacho. Dude was, what do the kids call it these days....spanking his monkey!!






I turned back to my girls who hadn't noticed anything and I was sitting there trying to play it off that I seriously did not just see some creepy ass mofo shining his jewels. After a minute or two I couldn't take it anymore and I laughing so hard I was almost crying. I jumped up, ran over to the other side of the wall where monkey spanker was sitting and tried to mime to my friends what was going on. While whisper yelling to them, "HEY, THAT DUDE OVER THERE IS SPANKING HIS MONKEY" while still laughing my ass off. Here is another artists rendering of what actions I took:



I then ran out of the restaurant, sat in my car and tried to contain myself. Shortly after the man walked out of Taco Bell and left and then my girls came out wondering just what the hell was wrong with me.


Instead of being grossed out or freaked out, I thought it was kinda funny. I was probably stoned at the time so everything was funny but still. I don't think it's possible for me to be sexually harassed. I'm pretty sure I would embarrass the harasser much more than they could ever freak me out.


Happy Valentines Day everyone!!