Aww Memories...

So, with Christmas just around the corner I've been thinking about when my sister and I were little and the lengths we would go to just to catch a peek at our presents. The older we got, the more creative we got too. I didn't earn the nickname Mrs. Kravitz for nothin folks!! In no particular order, here are some of our better ploys...

The rookie - trying to sneak in our parents closet where we knew the goods were. Got caught, probably flicked in the head

Getting a bit better, but not much - Noticing that our parents came home with a huge brown box, we waited until our parents were sleeping off the previous nights bender, did the army crawl into their bedroom, peeked under the blanket covering the huge brown box and tried to make a mental tally of what the contents were. Then we went into my room and made letters to Santa listing the entire box's contents. Unfortunately, we couldn't really see what was in there very good and we also didn't know whose crap was whose.

The professional - This one is bad. This one is probably one of the many reasons why I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell. Here goes. One time I pretended to be sick so I could stay home from school. I should probably mention that I might have been a freshman in high school. (remember I warned you that this one was bad). Ok, so I stay home from school by myself and proceeded to unwrap all of my presents so I could check them out before hand and then I wrapped them back up. I know, I'm rotten ain't I?? If it's any consulation, that was the shittiest Christmas I remember having. It was a lot of work to act genuinely suprised at receiving a John Cougar cassette tape and a gift box of socks, let me tell ya!!

After that we sorta stopped with the whole peeking before Christmas coupe. It wasn't worth it...if I'm going to get a John Cougar cassette as a gift then dammit I want to be suprised!!

My eyes, My eyes...it burns

So, I'm hopping you haven't eaten yet. Or drinking anything. Or go farther than this sentence. Ok, I warned ya. I've recently discovered the website people of walmart and, well, boy-oh-boy, there are some freaks with a capital FREAKS that are unlucky enough to have their pic snapped in that joint. But, out of all of the crazy crap that I've seen on that site, this one takes the cake...without further ado...

Nice back rack right??

You're welcome. ;) Excuse me, I need to go rinse the vomit taste out of my mouth.

Why I'm Pretty Sure I Need a Cleaning Lady

Welp, I was going to start off by apologizing for being MIA all summer long. I realize that I haven't blessed you with my pressense since early-mid-late July. So sue me! I quit smoking and got fat! Bigwupwannafightaboutit? You may or may not remember me telling you on several occasions that I'm the person that shit ALWAYS happens to and you may or may not think I'm exagerating a wee tad-martin. Well folks, get comfy 'cause I'm about to let you in on why I should never be allowed to handle anything that shoots out steam...

So a while back my hubby purchased a steam cleaner that looks like so:

Harmless looking enough right?

WRONG! That sucker is a death trap! Yesterday I had decided that I'd had enough of my kids dirty bathroom and decided to give it the ol' scrub down myself. I busted out the steamer, lugged it ALL THE WAY upstairs and proceeded to scrub the toilet and sink while the fucker, I mean steamer heated up. Once it was ready to go I started steam cleaning the bath tub/shower area when I started to run outta steam (no pun intended, well, ok, pun intended). I unpluged the pice of shit, I mean steamer and let it cool off while I finished up the bathroom. About 15 minutes later I wanted to add some more water to the bastard, I mean steamer so I proceeded to bend over and unscrew the lid to the son of a bitch, I mean steamer. Well, I'm pretty sure I probably shouldn't have bent directly over the area where you poor water in, in fact I'm fairly certain that there is a picture of me in the manual that says "do the opposite of this asshole" because once I got the lid to that dickwad, I mean steamer off it shot a stream of boiling hot steam all over my face and lips! Seriously, not even exageratting! Now I look like this:

Well, almost like this

Ok, ok. I look NOTHING like Harvy Two-Face. But my lips are chapped and they "hurt real bad"! And I cried. And I said fuck really loud. And no one came to see if I was ok because I always cry and say fuck really loud.

So, in a nut shell, that is why I'm pretty sure I need a cleaning lady.

Did ya miss me??

Somebody please tell me...

Why our arms are too short to reach that spot on your back that itches but you can't reach it?

Seriously, WTF?

7 days today since I quit smokin. Still feel like punching someone in the neck.

Not the witty one I forgot

But funny. Well, at least to me. Anyhoo, I am back on the lovely and talented nicotine patch. I don't know if any of y'all have ever had the pleasure of quitting smoking, but these little bastards work. Sorta... I think I've determined that it's not the patch's fault perse that I fell off the wagon last time. I'm pretty sure it was my wanting a smoke and thinking that I could be a "social smoker", which apparently I cannot. Go figure!! Ok, ok...enough about me and my smoking, it's making me want one a little bit. The point I'm going to eventually get at is that if you wear the patch when you go to bed you have these crazy ass dreams. The box tells you not to sleep with them (I think, to tell you the truth I just pulled that outta my ass) but I do anyway because I love the crazy dreams. I don't normally remember them but when I wear the patch I do. I was thinking that I got a bum batch of patches because I didn't have or remember my dream on Tuesday and was a little disspointed when I woke up yesterday. But last nights dream more than made up for it. Ok, you all know that I'm pretty wacked out right?? Good 'cause keep that in mind...Last night I had a dream that Michael J. Fox attacked me with my Ikea knife!

Well, he didn't actually look like this in my dream. This is from when I had his Tiger Beat poster on my wall. Brought back memories....

This was the version of Michael J. Fox that attacked me with my Ikea knife.

I have no idea why he starred in my dream and I certainly have no idea what I did to him to make him take my Ikea knife out of my drawer and try to cut me. That's my favorite knife too!!I remember that I had to try to grab the knife out of his hand and I accidently cut him. For some reason I felt bad. I'm pretty sure he had the Parkinson's in my dream and maybe that is the reason for the guilt. I even have a guilty conscience when I'm asleep, great!!

So yeah, one minute I was wrestling a knife outta Alex P. Keaton's hand and the next minute my alarms going off. So that all I got. Love it?? Or was it too much build up with no satisfying ending? Well, too bad. That's how I felt after watching the new Harry Potter movie so suck it!

Sorry, had to throw in the HP remark...anyone see it? What am I saying, of course you did right?

So I had a good blog post planned...

But as usual my short term memory, or lack thereof, made me forget before I had time to type it. So in the meantime, please enjoy one of the funniest reviews I've read in quite a while. We are having Chinese food for dinner this evening and I lost the menu. So I googled it and found a website called Yelp where people leave reviews and shit. This is what one patron had to say about the restraunt:

Yummy Yummy Yummy, I've got Pearl House in my tummy. I've been going to this place for years. It is the Chinese food that I compare all others to. It is a little bigger than a "hole in the wall" but not much. The General Chicken is amazing and their Chow Mein is the best I've ever had and I've been to China. The Hot and Sour soup is also out of this world.

The only downsides are the service for one. There are two mainstay waitresses that are good if you're lucky enough to get them. Otherwise you might get a girl that is just off the boat and wondering what happened to her life. The language barrier can be a bit of an obstacle with these girls as well. They may even forget that you are there. I have been eating there long enough I feel perfectly comfortable getting my own to go box.

The prices aren't bad, but their math sometimes is. I always get the same thing and my bill never is. Like I said I've been going there long enough they are willing to work it out with me.

Here comes a major beef of mine. The bathroom. Try to hold it if you can. I sometimes wonder if handling my genitals is healthier than touching the door knob, and it's a round one so opening it with your elbows is out of the question.

Overall the food is awesome, the price is fair if the math is correct, the people are friendly if they can understand what you're saying, and the atmosphere resembles something that would make the Queer Eye crew shutter.

I'm there for the food and love to argue over the bill so I give them a little higher rating than you might.

Things that give me the "News Feeling"

When my sister and I were little we hated Sunday's. That was the day we were shoved on the Church bus so my parents could recover from their night of doing god knows what. Sunday evenings were even worse because nothing good was on the TV. Whenever we would hear the stopwatch ticking intro to "60 Minutes" we would instantly get that pissed off feeling in the pit of our stomach. You know what feeling I'm talking about. The one where you wanna scream and slap the shit outta someone? Yeah, that's the one. Well sis and I coined that the "News Feeling". I'm in a mood today so I thought I'd compile a list of shit that gives me the "News Feeling". I wrote a song about it, wanna hear it, hear it goes.....in no particular order:

1. Nerd Herd from BB6. Seriously, they made me want to vom in my mouth!

2. Turtleneck anything. I heard a comedian say once that wearing a turtleneck was kinda like being strangled by a really weak person. True dat!

3. The Shamwow douche. Why do I feel like he is berating me into buying one of those pieces of crap?

4. Meatheads. Nothing attractive about that. Big muscles usually mean small pee-pee anyway.

5. People who don't understand The Far Side. It's funny, what's not to get? Geesh!

6. Finding the Watch Tower shoved halfway under my door. Really J-Dubs? You can't hear us trying to not so quietly hide from you? I swear I made eye contact with you when I peeked through my curtains to see if you were gone. You really thought I'd enjoy reading the Watch Tower?

7. Paul Shaffer. The dude makes me want to punch a baby.

8. The I.T. guy that assumed I was a retard because I'm not an I.T. person. Go home to your Jergen's dick. I only asked a question.

9. People who fish for compliments. You know you are beautiful or talented or athletic or creative or musical or whatever the hell else you are great at so just shut the eff up already!

10. This ass.