Sunday, April 26, 2009

Why I'm pretty sure I'm a 14 year old boy stuck in a 35 year old broad's body

"Mom, you're a GIANT child, ya know that dontcha?" Those are the words that came from my 12 year olds mouth not too long ago. I'm not even sure what exactly prompted that exclamation, but as I started to protest, I stopped. Know why? It's true. I own it. I guess I could be called worse (and have). I can't help it. I have the sense of humor of a 14 year old boy. I find farts way funnier than I should. I appreciate a good "pull my finger" gag. Burps are given a score of 1-10 in my house. Here are just a few of the many reasons I should, for all intents and purposes, be a 14 year old boy:
1. I LOVE, LOVE, LOOOOOVVVVVEEEE Guitar Hero. My dad asked me what to get the kids for Christmas and I told him Guitar Hero. Not necessarily because my kids actually wanted it. I did. I already know that I'm going to hell, so no need to remind me. For those of you not familiar with mini-Edward, here he is accompaning my GH styilings with a little piano backup. Ain't he sweet? Notice how I'm rocking out lefty style...Lefties represent!

2. I'm awesome. Yep, I went there. That picture you see above is the Treasurer of my kids elementary school PTC (kinda like a PTA but not). I can rock it and still support my school.

3. Kenny-Fuckin-Powers is the SHIT. If you don't know who I'm talkin 'bout, get HBO STAT.

4. I've watched Family Guy religiously since it first aired. Actually, we watch it as a family too. My kids can re-enact whole episodes verbatim. Some might frown on that, but tuff. My kids are friggen awesome kids who excel in school, have awesome manners and have been told by total strangers in restraunts that they are angels. We love Family Guy, it's funny, so there!

5. Grandma's Boy is one of the funniest muther-freakin movies I've ever seen. Dante and the monkey made me cry laughing. And don't forget about Shirley Jones and the chick from Everybody Loves Raymond!!

6. Adam Sandler. Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer, Piece of Shit Car and my fave...Sloppy Joes, Sloppy, Sloppy Joes...

7. Beavis and Butthead rocked my world back in the 90's. I saw an episode at a film festival way before they were on MTV. Holy crap my friends and I used to load the bowl and die laughing while watching that and MST3K (remember that one?).

I'm sure I could think of probably a billion more reasons why I'm pretty sure I'm a 14 year old boy, but I gotta pee and I'm dying to see the new episode of Family Guy...

Oh yea, I have a question for ya, Do you like fishsticks?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

So I finally got it...

Yeah, for those of you who actually read this, you know I'm a Twitard who has an inappropriate crush on the child who plays Edward Cullen. Today I'm now officially 13 years older than him. But that's ok, really. Really? I'm fairly certain I'll never meet him, and I hope to hell if I ever do I won't fart twice and crap myself. Since I'm the person who shit ALWAYS happens to, I'm sure if I ever find myself in the same space as my boyfriend Robert Pattinson, something embarassing is bound to happen.

Anyway, a while ago I pre-ordered my copy of the soundtrack to my boyfriends upcoming movie, "How to Be" and it came in the mail over the weekend. So I was listening to it on my drive in to work this morning, and, well, the best I can give it so far is that it's just ok. Maybe I'll like it more after I've watched the movie. Which I plan to do when it comes to my On Demand channel sometime next week.

I'm hoping I like it more after I've seen the movie. Otherwise I'll feel a little bad. I didn't intend to NOT enjoy it, maybe I'm just not in the mood for it today. I'll try again after work. I'll keep y'all posted because I'm sure you'll be wondering.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Why you should NEVER eat Taco Bell when you think you might possibly be going into labor.

Ok peeps. This post hopes to educate those of you who have not yet experienced the miracle that is childbirth. To those of you who have, well, here's one to tell the grandkids...

When I was a wee young lad of 22, my husband Eric and I found out we were expecting our first baby. When you're pregnant for the first time it's pretty friggen trippy. You have, like, a person growing inside you and it does crazy shit like move around, make you pee A LOT and give you what could very well be the WORST heartburn known to (wo)man. Don't get me wrong, it's so VERY worth it in the end, but the getting there part, well, is pretty ok for the most part. Forget about what I said about the crappy stuff just now. I don't want to freak out those of you who haven't gone through it yet. It's wonderful and magical.

Well, on with the story. About two weeks after my due date had come and gone, my doctor had said that if I didn't deliver by the end of the weekend (which happened to be labor day weekend, go figure), then they would induce me on that Monday. Sunday (Labor Day) afternoon started very normally. I felt huge and behemoth, but other than that, ok. My husband, who is a big disc golf dude, wanted try to get a game in. Since I felt fine I told him to go ahead. Cell phones weren't too popular back then and we didn't have one, so his buddy borrowed his sisters beeper to take just in case. Remember beepers...

A little while after he left I started to feel weird. Having never been in labor before I wasn't sure how I was supposed to be feeling so I thought maybe I was coming down with what my son likes to refer to as the, um...splats. It came and went and I was feeling fine by the time my husband came home from his game with Taco Bell. Being the hungry, pregnant broad that I was I scarfed down my Taco Supremes like there was no tomorrow. Well a few hours later those weird stomach pains came back and I started thinking that maybe these were actually contractions and not shit cramps like I thought originally. By 11pm they were really kicking into high gear so I heaved my fat ass off the couch. When I went to stand up, I heard (yes, that's right HEARD) a slight "pop". I wondered what the eff that was, but when I stood up, all was fine. But, when I sat down a minute later, my water broke. Imagine, if you will, someone dropping a water balloon between your legs. That's how it was like. For me anyway. After that, I knew we had better get on the road. That was when the husband went into full "Ricky Ricardo" mode. Couldn't find the keys, put his clothes on over his PJ's, the whole nine yards. I was like, "Dude, I'm not gonna drop this kid right this second, calm down". Watching him all but crap himself was probably the funniest thing I can remember seeing, the exception being the movie Grandma's Boy.

Finally we get to the hospital and I get checked in. I have a nurse named Joan who was built like a brick shithouse who proceeds to check to see how far I've dilated. Mmmm, there's nothing like having a paw the size of a linebacker shoved up your hoo-hoo, just sayin. Anyhoo, I was barely at 1cm so they got me all hooked up to the monitors and were on their way. A short while later hub falls asleep on the little couch right about the time I'm starting to feel a wee bit nauseous. I try calling to hub, "honey, I think I'm gonna puke" two or three times, but I don't get a response. I just knew I was gonna blow chunks any second so I had to drag the cart that I was attached to over to the bed, unhook the wires and try to heave myself off the bed. I only got my feet on the floor when I yakked that Taco Bell all the frig over the place. The only place puke wasn't on the floor was under my feet. Gross right? Sorry, if I'm making y'all sick right now...but this is a funny story. :^) Eric wakes up mid-ralph and goes to get the nurse. Nurse "wide-receiver" comes in, gags, and goes to call the janitor. She tell us to wait in the hallway while the poor little janitor cleans up my Taco Bell mess. We decided to walk up and down the hallway because that was helping with the contractions. We were on our third or fourth lap down the hall when an orderly comes up behind me, drapes a hospital gown over my shoulders and whispers, "ma'am, we kind of frown on our patients walking around with the back of their gowns open". Yeah, apparently I had been marching up and down the halls with my ass hanging out for everyone to see! At that point, all I could do was laugh...whatcha gonna do?

Finally my room was ready again, I was dilated enough to have my epidural and everything went smoothly. Three pushes and my little Ocean was born. See, easy!!

But, seriously, don't eat Taco Bell if you think you might crap out a baby at some point that day! I'm not even kidding!!

Sorry if this one grossed any of y'all out. Aside from being a smart ass, I really love to gross people out. It's how I roll.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A mini rant about 1-ply

Ok, I'm a Californian. As a Californian I am painfully aware of how broke the State is. Because, not only do I LIVE in California, but I WORK for California. I understand that we are in a cash crisis, we have had our spending all but cut, and I'm now "forced" to take an additional two days off a month. (That part I'm not complaining about, being lazy and all) But what I don't understand is why, why, WHY do we have to cut back on the quality of toilet paper we have to purchase? I will gladly use generic pens, shake my toner cartridge till the cows come home and lick my index finger in order to sort papers. But I cannot condone the purchase of this crappy (no pun intended), thin ass 1-ply that has turned up in our restroom. I can't even describe how thin this ass wipe is. Seriously.

Ok, rant over.

For the love of 13 year old boys...

Ok, I just had to share the BEST pick up line I've heard in a long time. As told to me by the grandmother of a 13 year old boy:

"Did you just fart because you blew me away"

Classic right??

I'm so wishin I was single at the moment so I could try that out on my boyfriend RPatz...or maybe I'll try it out on the hub tonight.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I Can't Think of a Smart Ass Title, What's Wrong With Me?

Well, the fam and I went on a nice vacay this week. We got the hell out of SacO'Crapmento and went to one of the most purtiful places on Earth, Fort Bragg. No, not the military place in one of the Carolina's, Fort Bragg California. I love it...ain't it purdy?

It's located on the Mendocino Coast surrounded by all of these bad ass looking Redwood trees...(ok, not sure if these are actually Redwood trees, but for this story they are m'kay?) They are pretty and tall so that's all that matters! The best part of the whole trip was that for once shit didn't always happen to me! For reals! Honest!

I think that the people we rented our house from might have possibly been what I like to refer to as "fun suckers" as demonstrated by the sign on the fridge. I gotta say though, that bird sure knows how to roll one up dontcha think?!?

Too bad I didn't see that sign first though...;^) Note the "oops, my bad" face. (I am going to have to ask you all now to please not look at my lunch lady elbow)

We went to this really cool botanical gardens but I think it has some kind of freaky ass LOST vibes going on though because either my daughters arm grew HUGE or I accidently ate a weird mushroom and got all little and shit.

My oldest daughter's name is Ocean. Yes, you are pronouncing it right. Ocean. Like the Ocean. Ok, over it yet? Good. Anyhoo, we didn't know she was so's like the gardens knew her and had been waiting for her to come visit. She's cool. She's my "beard" for when I go to Hot Topic to buy my Twilight shit. Sometimes she plays along, most of the time she calls me out on it in front of the Hot Topic people.

One of my favoritest parts of the trip was when the hub and I paid homage to the very plant whose magical elixir aided in the creation of our children...

You guessed it...the Agave plant. Oh Agave Plant. How good you taste with a little salt n'lime.

A good time was had by all. AND Pukey McPukerson didn't yak on me this time! Definitely a step up from the last trip. Our youngest gets a tadmartin car sick and one time she puked on me while I was stuck in the middle of one of those half-circle booths at Perko's. Talk about friggen nasty! But, none of that this time, although we did have a few close calls. Now we're back home and can successfully spread out and not even look at each other if we don't want to.

Sorry it took so long between posts, not sure that y'all give a rats ass anyway, but sorry all the same. :)
Just wanna say that I swear I have more than one shirt. I just realized that I had this same shirt on when I post my phot journey from the car to my office. In my defense, it's a really comfy shirt.