Ok peeps. This post hopes to educate those of you who have not yet experienced the miracle that is childbirth. To those of you who have, well, here's one to tell the grandkids...
When I was a wee young lad of 22, my husband Eric and I found out we were expecting our first baby. When you're pregnant for the first time it's pretty friggen trippy. You have, like, a person growing inside you and it does crazy shit like move around, make you pee A LOT and give you what could very well be the WORST heartburn known to (wo)man. Don't get me wrong, it's so VERY worth it in the end, but the getting there part, well, is pretty ok for the most part. Forget about what I said about the crappy stuff just now. I don't want to freak out those of you who haven't gone through it yet. It's wonderful and magical.
Well, on with the story. About two weeks after my due date had come and gone, my doctor had said that if I didn't deliver by the end of the weekend (which happened to be labor day weekend, go figure), then they would induce me on that Monday. Sunday (Labor Day) afternoon started very normally. I felt huge and behemoth, but other than that, ok. My husband, who is a big disc golf dude, wanted try to get a game in. Since I felt fine I told him to go ahead. Cell phones weren't too popular back then and we didn't have one, so his buddy borrowed his sisters beeper to take just in case. Remember beepers...
A little while after he left I started to feel weird. Having never been in labor before I wasn't sure how I was supposed to be feeling so I thought maybe I was coming down with what my son likes to refer to as the, um...splats. It came and went and I was feeling fine by the time my husband came home from his game with Taco Bell. Being the hungry, pregnant broad that I was I scarfed down my Taco Supremes like there was no tomorrow. Well a few hours later those weird stomach pains came back and I started thinking that maybe these were actually contractions and not shit cramps like I thought originally. By 11pm they were really kicking into high gear so I heaved my fat ass off the couch. When I went to stand up, I heard (yes, that's right HEARD) a slight "pop". I wondered what the eff that was, but when I stood up, all was fine. But, when I sat down a minute later, my water broke. Imagine, if you will, someone dropping a water balloon between your legs. That's how it was like. For me anyway. After that, I knew we had better get on the road. That was when the husband went into full "Ricky Ricardo" mode. Couldn't find the keys, put his clothes on over his PJ's, the whole nine yards. I was like, "Dude, I'm not gonna drop this kid right this second, calm down". Watching him all but crap himself was probably the funniest thing I can remember seeing, the exception being the movie Grandma's Boy.
Finally we get to the hospital and I get checked in. I have a nurse named Joan who was built like a brick shithouse who proceeds to check to see how far I've dilated. Mmmm, there's nothing like having a paw the size of a linebacker shoved up your hoo-hoo, just sayin. Anyhoo, I was barely at 1cm so they got me all hooked up to the monitors and were on their way. A short while later hub falls asleep on the little couch right about the time I'm starting to feel a wee bit nauseous. I try calling to hub, "honey, I think I'm gonna puke" two or three times, but I don't get a response. I just knew I was gonna blow chunks any second so I had to drag the cart that I was attached to over to the bed, unhook the wires and try to heave myself off the bed. I only got my feet on the floor when I yakked that Taco Bell all the frig over the place. The only place puke wasn't on the floor was under my feet. Gross right? Sorry, if I'm making y'all sick right now...but this is a funny story. :^) Eric wakes up mid-ralph and goes to get the nurse. Nurse "wide-receiver" comes in, gags, and goes to call the janitor. She tell us to wait in the hallway while the poor little janitor cleans up my Taco Bell mess. We decided to walk up and down the hallway because that was helping with the contractions. We were on our third or fourth lap down the hall when an orderly comes up behind me, drapes a hospital gown over my shoulders and whispers, "ma'am, we kind of frown on our patients walking around with the back of their gowns open". Yeah, apparently I had been marching up and down the halls with my ass hanging out for everyone to see! At that point, all I could do was laugh...whatcha gonna do?
Finally my room was ready again, I was dilated enough to have my epidural and everything went smoothly. Three pushes and my little Ocean was born. See, easy!!
But, seriously, don't eat Taco Bell if you think you might crap out a baby at some point that day! I'm not even kidding!!
Sorry if this one grossed any of y'all out. Aside from being a smart ass, I really love to gross people out. It's how I roll.