Monday, July 27, 2009

Somebody please tell me...

Why our arms are too short to reach that spot on your back that itches but you can't reach it?

Seriously, WTF?

7 days today since I quit smokin. Still feel like punching someone in the neck.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Not the witty one I forgot

But funny. Well, at least to me. Anyhoo, I am back on the lovely and talented nicotine patch. I don't know if any of y'all have ever had the pleasure of quitting smoking, but these little bastards work. Sorta... I think I've determined that it's not the patch's fault perse that I fell off the wagon last time. I'm pretty sure it was my wanting a smoke and thinking that I could be a "social smoker", which apparently I cannot. Go figure!! Ok, ok...enough about me and my smoking, it's making me want one a little bit. The point I'm going to eventually get at is that if you wear the patch when you go to bed you have these crazy ass dreams. The box tells you not to sleep with them (I think, to tell you the truth I just pulled that outta my ass) but I do anyway because I love the crazy dreams. I don't normally remember them but when I wear the patch I do. I was thinking that I got a bum batch of patches because I didn't have or remember my dream on Tuesday and was a little disspointed when I woke up yesterday. But last nights dream more than made up for it. Ok, you all know that I'm pretty wacked out right?? Good 'cause keep that in mind...Last night I had a dream that Michael J. Fox attacked me with my Ikea knife!

Well, he didn't actually look like this in my dream. This is from when I had his Tiger Beat poster on my wall. Brought back memories....

This was the version of Michael J. Fox that attacked me with my Ikea knife.

I have no idea why he starred in my dream and I certainly have no idea what I did to him to make him take my Ikea knife out of my drawer and try to cut me. That's my favorite knife too!!I remember that I had to try to grab the knife out of his hand and I accidently cut him. For some reason I felt bad. I'm pretty sure he had the Parkinson's in my dream and maybe that is the reason for the guilt. I even have a guilty conscience when I'm asleep, great!!

So yeah, one minute I was wrestling a knife outta Alex P. Keaton's hand and the next minute my alarms going off. So that all I got. Love it?? Or was it too much build up with no satisfying ending? Well, too bad. That's how I felt after watching the new Harry Potter movie so suck it!

Sorry, had to throw in the HP remark...anyone see it? What am I saying, of course you did right?

So I had a good blog post planned...

But as usual my short term memory, or lack thereof, made me forget before I had time to type it. So in the meantime, please enjoy one of the funniest reviews I've read in quite a while. We are having Chinese food for dinner this evening and I lost the menu. So I googled it and found a website called Yelp where people leave reviews and shit. This is what one patron had to say about the restraunt:

Yummy Yummy Yummy, I've got Pearl House in my tummy. I've been going to this place for years. It is the Chinese food that I compare all others to. It is a little bigger than a "hole in the wall" but not much. The General Chicken is amazing and their Chow Mein is the best I've ever had and I've been to China. The Hot and Sour soup is also out of this world.

The only downsides are the service for one. There are two mainstay waitresses that are good if you're lucky enough to get them. Otherwise you might get a girl that is just off the boat and wondering what happened to her life. The language barrier can be a bit of an obstacle with these girls as well. They may even forget that you are there. I have been eating there long enough I feel perfectly comfortable getting my own to go box.

The prices aren't bad, but their math sometimes is. I always get the same thing and my bill never is. Like I said I've been going there long enough they are willing to work it out with me.

Here comes a major beef of mine. The bathroom. Try to hold it if you can. I sometimes wonder if handling my genitals is healthier than touching the door knob, and it's a round one so opening it with your elbows is out of the question.

Overall the food is awesome, the price is fair if the math is correct, the people are friendly if they can understand what you're saying, and the atmosphere resembles something that would make the Queer Eye crew shutter.

I'm there for the food and love to argue over the bill so I give them a little higher rating than you might.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Things that give me the "News Feeling"

When my sister and I were little we hated Sunday's. That was the day we were shoved on the Church bus so my parents could recover from their night of doing god knows what. Sunday evenings were even worse because nothing good was on the TV. Whenever we would hear the stopwatch ticking intro to "60 Minutes" we would instantly get that pissed off feeling in the pit of our stomach. You know what feeling I'm talking about. The one where you wanna scream and slap the shit outta someone? Yeah, that's the one. Well sis and I coined that the "News Feeling". I'm in a mood today so I thought I'd compile a list of shit that gives me the "News Feeling". I wrote a song about it, wanna hear it, hear it no particular order:

1. Nerd Herd from BB6. Seriously, they made me want to vom in my mouth!

2. Turtleneck anything. I heard a comedian say once that wearing a turtleneck was kinda like being strangled by a really weak person. True dat!

3. The Shamwow douche. Why do I feel like he is berating me into buying one of those pieces of crap?

4. Meatheads. Nothing attractive about that. Big muscles usually mean small pee-pee anyway.

5. People who don't understand The Far Side. It's funny, what's not to get? Geesh!

6. Finding the Watch Tower shoved halfway under my door. Really J-Dubs? You can't hear us trying to not so quietly hide from you? I swear I made eye contact with you when I peeked through my curtains to see if you were gone. You really thought I'd enjoy reading the Watch Tower?

7. Paul Shaffer. The dude makes me want to punch a baby.

8. The I.T. guy that assumed I was a retard because I'm not an I.T. person. Go home to your Jergen's dick. I only asked a question.

9. People who fish for compliments. You know you are beautiful or talented or athletic or creative or musical or whatever the hell else you are great at so just shut the eff up already!

10. This ass.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The evolution of a clutz

I am a clutz. I own it though. I have to. That's not something you can really hide. How long have I been living with this afliction you ask? Well peeps, my whole life. Don't believe me? Well, let me break it down for you. Here is the evolution of my rise to clutziness:

April 22, 1974: The day I was born. That in itself is not that big a deal. Women have given birth for years. This was no ordinary birth my friends. You see, at the last minute I decided to spin around and come out of my mother telling the world to KISS MY ASS! That's right, my poor mother crapped me out while I was in the "Pike Position". Nice huh? And, she did it with NO EPIDURAL. I think she's still pissed at me to this day.

1976/1977: While standing on top of my vaccuum pretending it was a microphone and doing my best Stevie Nicks impersonation I fell face first onto the ground and killed my front baby tooth. It turned brown and stayed like that for years until it finally fell out. I switched from upright vaccuums to canister vacs for my microphone choice shortly thereafter.

Summer, 1982: Finally able to "pop a wheelie" on my sweet bike. I had been working on that move for a long time. There I was, coasting down the street on one wheel having the time of my life. Then the handle bars started going all screwy and next thing I know I'm falling head first over the handlebars, landing on my ass in the middle of the street and my face smacked the blacktop. Killed the adult version of the same baby tooth mentioned above. Didn't necessarily turn brown, but it just hung out in my head with a crack in it until I got that bitch crowned when I was an adult.

4th grade, 1984: Spending the night at my friends house we decided to sew Brownie outfits for our Barbies. I'm crawling around on my knees looking for thread when I put my knee down on a thimble. It hurt like a bitch but I didn't think anything about it. The next day it still hurt and my dad, being the loving overprotective father that he is said, "Suck it up and walk it off, you're fine!" So I did, I had no choice. When it STILL hurt a couple months later he finally took me to the doctor for some x-rays. Yeah, I had a fucking SEWING NEEDLE stuck in my knee! I had to have that bitch surgically removed. My dad still feels guilty. *smirk*

April 22, 1985: My 11th birthday. I'm at my best friend Alice's house wearing my brand new birthday outfit that DIDN'T come from K-mart. I'm thinking my shit don't stink I look so cute. Me and Alice were going to make ourselves a sandwhich, sounds innocent enough right? Well, I went to shake up the mustard when I discovered too late that her a-hole brother didn't screw the lid on. Friggen mustard ALL OVER MY NEW OUTFIT THAT DIDN'T COME FROM K-MART! I cried. Then I had to go home and change into an outfit that did, in fact come from K-mart.

Halloween, 1987: We have a Haloween dance at school. I'm in 7th grade and, well, ok, I went through a phase where I really wanted to be a cheerleader. Please don't judge me. The girl who used to baby sit me was in highschool AND a cheerleader so she let me and Alice borrow her cheer outfits. Cool right? Yep...except she had two outfits BUT only one pair of those little undergarmet things. You know what I'm talking about right? Those little numbers you wear under the skirt so you can high kick to your hearts content and not show your actual panties? Well, as usual Alice called dibs on the panty-things and I got screwed. I realized how screwed I really was when I was running around outside, tripped and fell on my ass and the skirt flew up. Good time, good times.

Summer, 1989: My first road trip without mom and dad. The same former babysitter above was now dating Alice's a-hole brother (he was an a-hole, trust me). They decided to go on a road trip to Washington State and I got to come along. Yay for me!! This particular summer a new shoe fad was going around called "Chooze Shoes". Remember those deathtraps? They were a piece of slick plastic sole and you would thread shoe laces in any color you wanted through them to make them a sort of flip flop contraption that would wind up your ankle. Those bastards were slippery! Well, we went to some museum in Seattle. The exit was a steep staircase than ended on the sidewalk outside the museum. So of course I would take one step, lose my footing and slide down the rest of the staircase on my ass and land on the sidewalk. I have to give myself credit though. Everyone around was totally freaked out that I hurt myself and I just got up and took a bow. It was that or cry man!

Sometime in 1991 or 1992: I caught my arm on fire, fell down a flight of concrete apartment stairs, and made out with a dude wtih the roughest 5 O'clock shadow until my chin was raw and bloodied. We call that one the "Tom Chin Incident". Never accidently spill Jim Beam on your sweater and then bend face first into a Zippo trying to light your cig.

Fast forward to July 4, 1996: I'm about 18 months pregnant with my first child. We're at the outlaws having a birthday party for the hubs. I go to lower my huge body into one of those piece of shit resin chairs when it decided to buckle and tip over backwards with me in it. Thankfully I didn't break anything or anyone. It was funny to me...probably because everyone looked to horrified. They were so freaked out!! LMAO

June/July 2000: We take the kids camping in Bodega Bay. My son is just a baby at the time. At night we would turn on the car and put him in the carseat with the heater on until he fell asleep. I'm sitting in the front seat with the window down and I have my arm out the window. I might've been a tad-martin tipsy, who knows. Anyhoo, I ended up rolling the window up completely with my hand stuck in the window. I have no idea how I managed that one but my husband still laughs to this day when ever he thinks about it.

I don't know, 2002, 2003: It's my dad's birthday so I invite him and my would-be Evil Stepmother over for dinner. Everything started out well enough. We were bull-shitting, drinking wine and whatnot. I was making a salad and went to put the dressing on it. Well, I have this thing with shaking shit..I do it to everything. I shook the bottle of salad dressing not remember that I just did that and undid the lid. This was worse than the mustard incident of 1985, WAY worse. That shit was a full bottle and it went all the hell over me! From my face to my feet. I thought my dad and evil step mom was going to shit themselves they were laughing so hard!! To this day I'll be visiting them and out of nowhere she'll giggle because it pops into her head. Glad I'm here to amuse you Evil Stepmom!

Sometime last year: I try to be cool at work. I mean, I AM cool, don't get me wrong, but I try to be extra careful so shit won't happen to me during working hours. This particular day my co-worker and myself had to go out for something so we got to take one of the work trucks. I don't drive at all if I can get away with it so she said that she would drive. The truck was parked next to this dirt mountain kind of on an incline. The passenger side door was next to the mountain. Instead of having her pull away and then get in, I figured I could just stand on the side of the montain, open the door and climb in. Well, a normal person would've had no problem with that. But not me. No, I lost my footing and in an effort to keep from falling I grab the sideview mirror. It was too late though. My feet kept slipping and slipping and I finally lost my grip on the mirror, fell and slid UNDER the freakin truck! The whole time this is happening my coworker is watching from the drivers side laughing her ass off! It was pretty gosh darn funny I'll admit that!

So there you have it. I know there must be more but thankfully I've blocked them out. Funny thing is that I see some of my "gracefullness" shining in my daughter. So my legacy will live on!!