Why I'm Pretty Sure I Need a Cleaning Lady

Welp, I was going to start off by apologizing for being MIA all summer long. I realize that I haven't blessed you with my pressense since early-mid-late July. So sue me! I quit smoking and got fat! Bigwupwannafightaboutit? You may or may not remember me telling you on several occasions that I'm the person that shit ALWAYS happens to and you may or may not think I'm exagerating a wee tad-martin. Well folks, get comfy 'cause I'm about to let you in on why I should never be allowed to handle anything that shoots out steam...

So a while back my hubby purchased a steam cleaner that looks like so:

Harmless looking enough right?

WRONG! That sucker is a death trap! Yesterday I had decided that I'd had enough of my kids dirty bathroom and decided to give it the ol' scrub down myself. I busted out the steamer, lugged it ALL THE WAY upstairs and proceeded to scrub the toilet and sink while the fucker, I mean steamer heated up. Once it was ready to go I started steam cleaning the bath tub/shower area when I started to run outta steam (no pun intended, well, ok, pun intended). I unpluged the pice of shit, I mean steamer and let it cool off while I finished up the bathroom. About 15 minutes later I wanted to add some more water to the bastard, I mean steamer so I proceeded to bend over and unscrew the lid to the son of a bitch, I mean steamer. Well, I'm pretty sure I probably shouldn't have bent directly over the area where you poor water in, in fact I'm fairly certain that there is a picture of me in the manual that says "do the opposite of this asshole" because once I got the lid to that dickwad, I mean steamer off it shot a stream of boiling hot steam all over my face and lips! Seriously, not even exageratting! Now I look like this:

Well, almost like this

Ok, ok. I look NOTHING like Harvy Two-Face. But my lips are chapped and they "hurt real bad"! And I cried. And I said fuck really loud. And no one came to see if I was ok because I always cry and say fuck really loud.

So, in a nut shell, that is why I'm pretty sure I need a cleaning lady.

Did ya miss me??