Saturday, March 28, 2009

Wallier Things Have Happened...

Ah, my youth. The crap that my girls and I would get into back in the day! One particularly crazy, alcohol fueled summer we took up rafting. Not the kind of rafting that you see on TV and what I currently enjoy participating in. No, this type of rafting occured on a stretch of the American River that has pretty much no rapids so the only thing to do (for us anyway-we were idiots) was to paddle around in a circle and drink Bartles and James wine coolers. This particular rafting trip was born because my friend Michelle and I were bored and wanted to kill some time before we had to go to work that evening. So, we load up our two-person second hand raft, ice chest full of wine coolers and Miller High Life, a pack of Marlboro Reds and head out. We decide to take two cars; she would follow me to the place where we would take out at, leave my car there and drive back up to our starting point. Easy no? Well, since you've been reading my blog you know by now that I'm the person shit ALWAYS happens to, 'nuf said. Anyhoo, I lock my car and hop into hers and we set off the four or so miles back to the beginning of my story. (yeah, yeah I sure can talk can't I? Well, just imagine sitting in the same room as me while I'l tellin it. Feel better now dontcha?) We get to our destination and gather up all of our gear and get ready to go down to the river. As an afterthought, I casually throw my keys into her glove box as I was afraid I would lose them in the water. To give you a better visual I have generously included a map for your reference. Please note where Michelle's car is in relation to where MY car is.

My friend and I were crap rafters. We spent the first half hour or so just paddling around and around in a circle. We couldn't figure out how to make the piece of crap raft go straight. After a while we gave up and cracked open our wine coolers and took a smoke break when a group of two dudes and a chick came up next to us and asked if we wanted to tie a rope to their raft. We decided 'what the hell' especially since one of the dudes was obviously single and looked a little like Uncle Jesse from TV's Full House (Have Mercy):

Ok, ok. Maybe I'm exaggerating a tadmartin. But he was good lookin from what I can remember. His name was Wally he was tan and he had long hair - a must have for any good lookin dude from the 90's. He had a t-shirt tied around his head which I imagine was keeping his head cool cuz it was a friggen hot ass Sacramento summer day. We all enjoy a fun afternoon drinking and bs'ing and I'm pretty sure a doob was passed around at some point. My friend and I were slyly tring to call "dibs" on Wally when around mid-point in our trip (refer to 'OMG Moment' on map above) Wally decided to jump into the river to cool off. Oh Wally. You so shouldn't have done that dude. When he came back up from the water his the t-shirt that was tied on his head fell off. Wally went from looking like Uncle Jesse to this:

Not that there's anything WRONG with it! We quickly decided that Wally really wasn't either of our types and we spent the rest of the drip in awkward silence, trying not to give away the real reason for our giggles.

We FINALLY make it to the end of our trip, untie ourselves from what we are now referring to as "Dad's" raft and make off to my car. It's hot, late afternoon, our buzz was wearing off and all we wanted to do was go home and take a little nappy before work. Think that was gonna happen? Nope. Know why? I'm sure you've figured it out but I'll tell ya anyway. Yeah, MY keys were locked in the glove box of Michelle's car. Thankfully Michelle had some cash on her so we booked it over to the Shuttle wait area intent on riding the Shuttle back to her car. That bitch Karma wasn't going to let me have my way! Turns out the last Shuttle had left 10 minutes before so there was only one thing for us to do. I'm sure some of you youngin's might me asking yourself why we just didn't pull out our cell phone and call someone? Well, we would have smart ass if they didn't look like this and cost about a million dollars:

We had to MOTHER FREAKING WALK from MY car to HER car! On foot! In the HOT! And HALF DRUNK! Well, there was NO way in hell we were going to lug all of our crap back so we decided to eff it and left it by our car. If someone took it, screw it.
All in all I think that trip bonded us. We coined the popular phrase "Wallier things have happened" and "foot travelers use left shoulder". Of course they didn't catch on like we had hoped, but we still giggle about it. We're still friends to this day. We were in each other's weddings and if something God forbid ever happens to her and then in turn something God forbid ever happens to her sister, I become her kids gaurdian. It took us I don't even know how many hours to get back to her car. But we made it. In one piece. And no one even asked if they could suck my toe*.
Good times. Good times.
*story for another time.


  1. Wait - I think I must have known you when I was teen!!! JK... But seriously - Bartles & James, doobage, Marlboro Reds [was there really any other brand of cigs for bad-ass chicks to smoke? no. there was not.]? Ah, those were good times, good times...

  2. LOL! This had me cracking up!! You really are hysterical. As usual, freaking STY beat me to the punch but I started crying with laughter when I read 1) Bartles & James (or those terrible Jack Daniels wine coolers)- and 2) the cell phone. Kids these days just don't know how lucky they are.

    P.S. - @Snarkier - goddamned comment slut, you are.

  3. Please! Don't even get me started on Sisco, Mad Dog or those two liter bottles of California Coolers! LMAO

    Thanks so much for the props, both of yas (that's me trying in vain to put on my best Jersey accent)!! Your Twitarded blog is friggen hilarious! :)

  4. Sisco, ugh! Crack-head wine. How on earth did we ever drink that crap? lol!

  5. Hmmm....Wallier Things Have Happened. I like it, I need to use it...just have to wait for the perfect moment, and possibly give a friend or two the background story so they don't just think I'm losing it.

  6. Poor Wally...Also, Marlboro Lights were way cooler...


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